Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
