Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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