totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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