I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
