I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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