did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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