If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
