how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have feelings that need drinking.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
