We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this beer tastes like vomit already
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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