I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
