I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
