you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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