call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
