god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How long until YT realizes that it's a man?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
