i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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