I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Randomize
