i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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