I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
