Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
