she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
