phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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