dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I came so hard my ears popped.
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