I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
