You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
You have to summon your inner elephant
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize