True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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