tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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