So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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