I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
