Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
