I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
