I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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