I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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