hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
