My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
