Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
