did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
