textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Randomize
