So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
