Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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