She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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