I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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