So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize