There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
where are my eyebrows?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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