How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
