No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
