Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
