A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This house was built for laser tag.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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