Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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