you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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