There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
