Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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