ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
