I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Randomize
