I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
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