I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Randomize
