Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
this is an emotional support booty call
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
