Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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