im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
