im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
