OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
