I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
