The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Couch. On fire.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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