If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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