Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize