I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
