Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
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