GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize